The number one search result for my vanity search of “jolma” is some bizarre tribute site someone set up for me. Check it out for yourself. jolmapolldorsets.com is flattering but slightly creepy.

Some excerpts:

Jolma is one of Western Australia’s most successful Poll Dorset studs.

Jolma Injector 148 has topped the current sire rankings

And Jolma has also blitzed the 2002 male progeny rankings,

When subject to LAMBPLAN analysis, Jolma is consistently producing exception results.

I saved the best for last. (I’m considering getting this tattooed across my back).

JOLMA INJECTOR IS ‘KING OF THE ROAD’

I’m going to the Mudhoney concert tonight with Mitsu (in town from Tokyo) and Todd. I’m psyched. Too bad I didn’t pack my grunge outfits.

Grim. I was warned about rats in New York, but hadn’t seen many yet. I just looked outside and saw a family of the scuttling around. (That’s part of the beauty of a ground-level apartment with trash cans outside).

I am prepared, though. If any of them make their way inside they’ll have to face the Jolma Inferno Blaster (see pic)

I knew New York was going to be expensive. One thing I didn’t fully appreciate, though, is the amount of cash necessary to lease an apartment.

Let’s say you find a place for $2k/month. (This isn’t extravagent; it gets you a nice studio or decent one bedroom in a nice Manhattan neighborhood.) At lease signing, you will need to pay the following:

• First month. $2k with this example.
• Security deposit. One month’s rent is typical: $2k
• Last month’s rent. This is not uncommon, though I didn’t have to do this. $2k
• Broker’s fee. This is up to 15% of the yearly rent. Let’s say you negotiated this down to 12%. $2880

Wow. That is almost $9k you need at lease signing.

Apartment hunting in Manhattan is crazy.

(Looks like I’ll be writing this in power paragraph style, like I learned in fourth grade.)

First of all, they have brokers: essentially real estate agents who charge up to 15% of the first years rent. And it’s hard to avoid one, especially to a newb like me.

Second, bait-and-switching is rampant. An shows an awesome looking apartment, but once the broker gets you into their office they say “Oh, that one just went off the market. Let me show you some others.”

Though not technically a bait and switch, check out this ad: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/fee/693337581.html. Looks great, right? Even if you read the fine print: Image may not be of the actual apt., but is typical of apts. in this building. Well, the apartment is nice but the one room is about 9×9 feet in front of the kitchen. Enough to plop down a queen sized bed. That’s it.

At a more extreme level, I’ve heard lots of horror stories about postings featuring nonexisting apartments. The scammers then pocket any money they receive.

Third, these brokers can be sleazy. I actually hung up on one (something I don’t do). I saw an ad for a nice apartment and called the broker who posted the ad. “Oh, that one was taken, but… [see above].” Whatever. I just wanted to see more apartments so I was willing to let it slide. Before heading up, though, I called to see which apartments he planned on showing me. I didn’t want to make a big time commitment going in blind. As soon as he learned I had a question he said “Here, talk to my assistant.” She knew nothing about me and asked the same questions he had already asked. I explained that I already answered these questions and wanted to know about the great apartments he promised to show me. She said she couldn’t share that. I replied that this would be a waste of my time then. She started to give me a lot of lip, and I hung up.

Today’s life lesson presented by Jeff.